A Monkey's Dream

When I am teaching, some of the most challenging classes are the college stream classes. That is, grade 11 and 12 students who are supposed to be college-bound. These classes are challenging for a variety of reasons, but to be as succinct as possible, think of the worst and weakest students you knew in high school (for whatever reason -- learning disabilities, poor grasp of the language, total disinterest in bettering themselves, etcetera), add to that a disdain for the English language and all things associated with school and those are largely the kids I'm talking about. They are at once both the most exhausting and rewarding classes to teach. They are emotionally and physically draining, every moment of every day. But on the rare occasions that I get through to one of those kids, the sense of accomplishment is truly fulfilling.

Last night I had a dream about those classes. I dreamt that I was back at work and it was the time of year when classes have just started and every day new students are being added to the class. There I was at the front of my room and more and more students were coming in. I knew all of them. The faces were those of some of my most difficult students and they just kept streaming through the door saying, "Hi Miss! I'm back!"

In my dream I was exhausted from being up with the baby the night before, but could not, of course let my students see either my weakness or dread.

When I woke up, it was significantly earlier than I would have liked, to feed the baby -- again. It occurred to me that the feeling of fatigue and dismay that I was feeling in my dream was remarkably similar to the fatigue and dismay I was feeling at having to get up for yet another feeding. I thought that it was interesting that my subconscious would make that connection.

Also, it got me thinking about what it's going to be like when I do actually go back to work. I think that there is a very real possibility that I might not be able to get by if the nights up don't become significantly fewer and farther between by then. Both the jobs of teaching and mothering are so entirely consuming, it's almost impossible for me to imagine how I'm going to do both. I know that people do. I'm just wondering how I'm going to do it. Daunted is a good way to describe how I'm feeling about it.

Yesterday I was at a Mommy and Me group and I was surprised to learn that some women are actually out and about with their babies on a regular basis - before noon. This is a rare event for me these days. I guess I just need to keep telling myself that things will change and that I won't always be up four times a night. At least that's what I'm hoping -- I may have to give up on my career otherwise!