By the Light of the Baby Monitor...

An abbreviated list of things that keep my brain whirling at night these days:

1. The baby -- pick any one of a dozen things, but mostly the wondering how long I have to rest until the next feed. Sure wish I had the guts to do any of the things that books recommend for getting babies to sleep through the night.

2. The hubby -- also a variety of things, from randiness to plain old snoring.

3. The harpy -- is finally making good on her threats to go back to "school" in the fall. Will be getting certified as a Montessori "directress." This will likely necessitate variations in the visits with Mojo as well as a greater need for daycare -- She has already asked us for extra money for daycare and I would rant more about this except what really bugs me (and I know that this means I've reached some kind of acceptance of the situation) isn't the money, but the word directress.

4. Stupid pretentious names for simple stuff. Pedagogical ideology aside, the word directress for teacher is stupid. There are a lot of things about the Montessori school "system" that bug me, and one day I'll write about them, but for now... directress -- it's like Starbucks and their stupid grande-tall-whatever-whatever. Why can't they just call things what they are?

5. The house -- I can barely look out my window without screaming at all the work that needs doing around the house. Today I went out back and recklessly took a saw to some of the caterpillar-infested trees in my yard -- I hate those effing things! I also hate my shed.

6. See previous blogs titled Money Pit and Monkey's Dream.

All I want is a good night's sleep!

The Money Pit

Anyone out there with a pool knows that during the winter months a pool is an eyesore. For this reason, the hubby and I go out of our way to open our pool as early as possible in the spring; this year was no exception. Unfortunately, when we bought this house, we knew that the pool would eventually need some updating and it turns out, this is the year for it. To abbreviate the story somewhat, we have discovered that both the lining and coping for the pool need to be replaced. The cost of this is about 5 grand. To say that this was an unexpected expense would be a bit of an understatement, however, there's not much of an option. We can spend the money now or spend more later either way the job needs doing.

Despite the poor timing of this considerable expense, I have to say that I am quite looking forward to the completion of the work. To say that the pool is dated is down-playing things a bit and so it will be lovely to have a nice new pool to look at and swim in this summer. Here's why:

I look forward to providing you with the 'after' shots as soon as possible!

A Monkey's Dream

When I am teaching, some of the most challenging classes are the college stream classes. That is, grade 11 and 12 students who are supposed to be college-bound. These classes are challenging for a variety of reasons, but to be as succinct as possible, think of the worst and weakest students you knew in high school (for whatever reason -- learning disabilities, poor grasp of the language, total disinterest in bettering themselves, etcetera), add to that a disdain for the English language and all things associated with school and those are largely the kids I'm talking about. They are at once both the most exhausting and rewarding classes to teach. They are emotionally and physically draining, every moment of every day. But on the rare occasions that I get through to one of those kids, the sense of accomplishment is truly fulfilling.

Last night I had a dream about those classes. I dreamt that I was back at work and it was the time of year when classes have just started and every day new students are being added to the class. There I was at the front of my room and more and more students were coming in. I knew all of them. The faces were those of some of my most difficult students and they just kept streaming through the door saying, "Hi Miss! I'm back!"

In my dream I was exhausted from being up with the baby the night before, but could not, of course let my students see either my weakness or dread.

When I woke up, it was significantly earlier than I would have liked, to feed the baby -- again. It occurred to me that the feeling of fatigue and dismay that I was feeling in my dream was remarkably similar to the fatigue and dismay I was feeling at having to get up for yet another feeding. I thought that it was interesting that my subconscious would make that connection.

Also, it got me thinking about what it's going to be like when I do actually go back to work. I think that there is a very real possibility that I might not be able to get by if the nights up don't become significantly fewer and farther between by then. Both the jobs of teaching and mothering are so entirely consuming, it's almost impossible for me to imagine how I'm going to do both. I know that people do. I'm just wondering how I'm going to do it. Daunted is a good way to describe how I'm feeling about it.

Yesterday I was at a Mommy and Me group and I was surprised to learn that some women are actually out and about with their babies on a regular basis - before noon. This is a rare event for me these days. I guess I just need to keep telling myself that things will change and that I won't always be up four times a night. At least that's what I'm hoping -- I may have to give up on my career otherwise!