I'm a pretty lucky lady. I have a healthy and happy baby who has what I would call a very cheery disposition. I have a husband who loves me, works hard and helps out around the house. I have a mother who drops by to visit and help out on most week days. I learned today how much I depend on these things to be true.
Today I hit a low point.
My baby was a somewhat less co-operative today than usual and my mother had plans of her own (the nerve!) and so, after I don't know how many nights getting up every 1-3 hours, today, I reached my threshold.
I tried really hard. I am pleased to say that both my baby and myself were mostly bathed and dressed for about half of the day, I got one load of laundry half done, but I am embarrassed to report that that is about all that happened.
I ran out of energy today and I cried because I could not get my baby to sleep some place other than my lap. I did not iron any clothes, or clean any messes. I even cancelled dinner with a friend because I just couldn't pull myself together in time. I am even more embarrassed to report that I called my husband at work and requested that he come home directly after work instead of playing basketball because I just could not be responsible for my needy baby for very much longer.
I guess that realistically I knew it would have to happen eventually. I think that I was thinking that showbiz magic might also apply to my life at home with baby and that somehow it would all just work itself out. That baby would just magically sleep for six consecutive hours and I would join her in that slumbery joy, just in the nick of time so that my sanity and house could be preserved. But no. My house is a wreck and my nerves are frazzled and the weekend is still many days away. Tomorrow night we will have the added responsibility of Mojo and all that entails on a weeknight visit. I am praying for a miracle. If not the uninterrupted sleep that I so desperately crave, then at least the ability to somehow deal with it.
I'm taking advice freely on this one, if anybody's got some....
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4 years ago
1 comment:
Oh, hon.... There are many reasons why the Mommy and Me groups didn't work for me and mostly I just couldn't hack hearing about all the exciting things these women seemed to get up to while I was essentially a bag of nerves hiding inside a bag of hammers. I'll let you in on a little secret - those women, they all lie. It's a ruse. Seriously, they all feel frazzled and exhausted and they are too ashamed and embarrassed to admit it. I really think that we have bought into an ideal of motherhood that is impossible to achieve. The reality is that some days are better than others and that there are highs and lows. The highs will be more joyful than you ever imagined and the lows will be more difficult and impossible than you ever thought you could survive. But you do and you will.
You aren't the first woman to call her husband and beg him to come home ASAP just because you can't cope any longer. And you won't be the last. Many, many, many of us have sat on the floor, baby in lap, sobbing uncontrollably while carefully watching the minutes on the clock slowly move closer to the time someone (anyone) can come and rescue them.
I'm afraid I'm not so great in the advice department on this subject but I can tell you that you're not alone and sometimes that offers some small comfort.
You're kicking ass at this motherhood thing and for every difficult day, there will be one beautiful and miraculous one.
Hugs!
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